i don’t know how to explain this, and i know i don’t need to put it under a read more because no one will see this. if you do and find it troubling, i’m sorry. but i have to try to explain myself and have no one to actual talk to about this, i mean someone who will listen and actually understand (hopefully) as opposed to a doctor, therapist, family member who simply sees the negative aspect, or the sick part of it…does that even make sense?
i can’t justify what i’m doing (or supposed to be doing/increasing) by eating more because it just feels wrong. i am eating more and it seems like a lot compared to before i guess?…but i keep feeling this awful squirming when i make plans to increase or challenge myself, which is odd as i normally just fear getting sick from foods, i mean i don’t want to gain weight but that’s not something i have felt lately after eating, more a general feeling. but this guilt, i mean it isn’t overwhelming all the time and i can ignore it but doing so feels wrong. i’m eating quite a bit more than before but if i add more (or don’t?), and end up gaining (which will happen) then what happens next, like what if im used to eating so much and just keep gaining and feeling so out of control. i guess i feel like if i was in hospital,which i don’t want, it’s a forced plan (which i think would be even worse for me) you feel like it’s a justification to eat more and people are forcing you. although i have force in a sense, i am making the final decisions at the moment to eat more, so that feels wrong. and people say, “don’t worry your body knows what to do” well, no it doesn’t. or, if it does, that’s not exactly what i want it to do so that sort of sentiment offers no reassurance whatsoever. first of all, if it knows a ‘set-point’ it’s probably a point that i’m not comfortable with. second, i mean people do gain weight, from eating more than they burn. so if i keep eating more my body won’t be like, okay cooool man i’m done, i’ll just stay here if you’d like and everything will be jolly. no, i mean my body has a mind of it’s own and decides to do things which scare me so much. i won’t get too into that because it makes like no sense but …yea. i guess those are some feelings.
and then i feel this superstitious part that makes me feel like i’ll probably gain even without increasing, because i have it in my head that somehow i’m eating more than i was at a much higher weight (which i think is true) so my body will at some point go back to gaining which has happened in the past and i wasn’t even eating that much. sorry this was not a good way of explaining myself. my mom just says, well jen just eat when you’re hungry, and that’s that. she says that she’s done that and has been okay. but i guess her body trusts her or something? and she’s comfortable at the weight she’s at so i guess that’s also a point there. yea idk what im doing so i need some answers. and i don’t want to talk to a dr about this because all they hear is ‘ahhh i don’t want to gain weight, or eat and im being sick and please don’t make me change my habits, etc’ which is not exactly what i’m saying here. also, i wish i had some friends here. like i used to talk to some people when i was blogging (not tumblr) but that community is sort of gone and i’ve never fit in anywhere here, i feel like i’m too old for it. also, it’s not the healthiest thing for me to do probably because it just keeps me stuck in this mindset. but it gets lonely
lksdflkdsjf ;( i want fucking valium. but this day has been hell i dont know what is wrong of if im ill but im freaking out. of course im probably sick but i just cannot calm down and keep getting these surges of aixiety and pressure on my chest and (this isn’t new, i mean i always have insane anxiety because i can’t do life) but also feelings in my stomach and bowels and like something is going to go hellish down there and then i feel sick and then so so so weak (like after walking up the stairs) and achy all over and it hit earlier when i was out for the shortest fucking walk known to man kind and i had to do errands…but it hasn’t gone away and i just feel so sick and scared and shakey. i dont’ want to be sick :/ or anyone. and i have a film class tonight. and a project that i am not even remotly qualified to complete but i hae to do well by some miracle or im screwed. and this is such a shitty thing to write down but im sorry i don’t know what else to do.
oh god its horrible i look like poop why